A Glance of the Past:…Things deeply personal…
29 April 2007The following is something I wrote for BoyChat (a response), but never posted.
I should give a short introduction…
Personally, I was a very sexually expressive child…I loved to experience the sensations. It was all incredibly wonderful and positive to me, how that part of my body worked, and what it did…how it rewarded…
I have always been attracted to boys…I’ve always had a sex drive, at least from the beginning of my conscious memory (with exception to later years in my adult life). As a child, life did not exist any other way, than pedosexual and homoerotic.
I was a child…a boy…who had substantial, sexual contact…and an enormous amount of sexual stimulation, during my boyhood (I’m including early teen years here, too).
When it is asked, “how do children respond to sex”, I consider my own, childhood history, to be applicable to the question (why on earth, would it “not” be?).
My experience, overwhelmingly, is that males take to sex, like fish take to water…It is a completely natural fit.
The conflict arises, when we discover, that some people very much dislike male sexuality…and they are willing to go to great lengths, in order to attack and persecute it.
There is no question in my mind, that some of the things I was party to as a boy, would have gotten me into grave trouble, had they happened today and been discovered by the wrong people.
…but, the way in which these activities were approached…was benign…it was natural…it was gentile…Nobody set out to hurt anybody, much less their friends. It was biological fun, which came naturally…
…something I can look back on today, and say that I was lucky…privileged even, to have had.
There is this pestering question, presented by those who don’t approve, however…
…”Does it cause harm?”…
Further, “How can you prove it does not (or does) cause harm?”…and, “shouldn’t we just default to the safest alternative, when we are unsure?”.
…to which I would respond…
…Life is full of experiences, rewards and consequences…and not all of these things, come from the conventionally supposed sources.
Is it a question of sex and sexuality (something inborn, in all of us) being “harmful”?…or is it that many of us are being interrupted, from an otherwise happy and rewarding life experience?
…a question once asked…
“…How can you know there is no harm done when you can’t prove that?”
The barriers are more political, than anything else.
If I had to give you empirical evidence, it would be difficult. I mean, I could direct you towards the Rind, Tromovitch and Bauserman research.
But, even that has a lot of controversy surrounding it, because some people go into a hysterical huff, anytime you entertain the notion of approaching “pedophilia”, or child sexuality, with a value neutral perspective.
If you suggest that anyone, anywhere, ever had any type of good, sexual experiences, prior to the age of 18 years, you’ll frequently get scolded, sworn at, receive death threats…have your career (amongst other things) destroyed…and, your findings and expressions will be swept out of public sight…You will get barred from some places.
“Child Sexuality”…the one magical topic, which is unspeakable in anything, but the most harshest and negative of manners…ranking right up there with mass murder.
It is little wonder, why so few credible researchers have the intestinal fortitude, to broach this research topic.
…and, we need to emphasise “credible”, here…because the child sex abuse field has a deficit of credible researchers.
…Nobody is allowed to think or say anything, which does not tow the party line…How can any “research” conducted under this type of duress, ever become credible?
…it is not scientific…it is not a search for the truth…
Alternatively, I could tell you, that I had tons of sexual experiences as a boy…though, mostly alone…
This really would not separate me from most human males, however.
…and, if you are like most people, you would respond, “but look at you now…you’re a pedophile!”.
…implying that my sexual orientation makes me “damaged”…or is a “symptom of damage”.
I will just say one thing…
…I have naturally craved sex…sexual touch, through all stages of my conscious life. I do not remember any phase during my childhood, when I was without sexual attraction and arousal. It was very natural, and spontaneous. I never disliked it, though I learned to hide it from others.
When I discovered the orgasm (prior to puberty), I loved everything about sexual activity…except the guilt trips (which came from religion).
As I grew and became more sophisticated, I learned and comprehended the social rules, going on around me. Because of this conflict, I went through many years of personal struggle…as anyone, in this set of circumstances would have.
Life was complex…far more so, than a mere “popping of boners for boys”…My families life was volatile (the only way I knew it to be)…and it all fell apart, when I was 13.
Life was turned up side down…some horrible choices needed to be made…some terrible (abusive) things were said and done…and I was left to experience it all…sort it all out…when it was all in direct contradiction, with everything I’d been brought up in the church to believe…(just as so much of the human experience is).
I learned to hate myself…
…The christian church taught me this…my father taught me this…the world in which I lived, taught me this…
By the time I was fourteen…I was suicidal…having anger problems…and there were times, when had a knife been within arms reach, I’d have picked it up and started violently stabbing myself…presumably, till I was dead.
…I wanted to die…I wanted to kill myself, in the most violent way possible…I wanted to torture myself to death.
That is a very real…very horrible…very deeply buried…overwhelming, personal…”demon” (I don’t know what else to call it), which I suddenly became overtaken with, at several points during my teenage years.
…and I would say to this world, “Hey…Thanks for the memories”…but…well…
It was never about the sex…it was about the conflict…
It was that everything I’d been raised to believe, was turning into bull shit, right before my eyes…I could not trust, who I had trusted, all of my life before…and I learned to hate them, as much as I hated myself.
The world rejected me, on so many fronts…and I was powerless, to do anything about it…My place in life…my very identity and self worth…my solid footing…Nothing was left.
Through it all…one of the few things which has remained a pure joy…is all of those countless moments, in which I basked in the beauty of a boy, and/or fantasized of the beautiful, physical love we could share…
…or, at least, that I “could” lavish upon him…
Life is complex…
…I can not prove to you, that I have attained adulthood unscathed…
…but then…I’ve had plenty of things in my life to scathe me.
I can tell you, however, I’ve never murdered anyone…I’ve never attacked anyone…I’ve never forced anyone into anything…I’ve never gone to prison for bad behavior…and I’ve worked through a lot of personal issues, over the years.
People generally like me…tell me I’m great…speak highly of me…I am respected…
I could not tell you, whether I am better or worse, than the “average” person…but, I do live by what I believe to be a sound, rational, humane, ethical code.
I genuinely love children…
…If that makes me “defective”…then I will quite happily go on being, “defective”.
…because I am an anomaly…I’ve done what I was not supposed to do…I found myself, and scraped my self dignity off of the floor…put it back on my shoulders…and forged some path onward.
I take great pride in being a pedophile…and I have earned my self dignity back, and my pride, by going through and surviving, the deepest, darkest hell, unimaginable to most people…who don’t have to walk this road.
…emerging, amazingly…as a stand up individual, with strong ethics…
All in all…considering everything…
…having been a very enthusiastically sexual child, myself…I think I turned out reasonably okay…I obey the laws…I “pay my dues”…I give to charities…I do what I can, to help others.
Had I just been left alone, regarding my orientation…I think, my prognosis would have been excellent…If people like myself were openly embraced…I think, life would be far more meaningful…wonderful, even.
I cant parade a bunch of people in front of you, who were sexually active as kids, and who rave about it today.
I don’t know any, who are willing to talk openly about it…I’m sure most, if not all, are scared of the consequences of going public.
But I have, honestly, known several children (when I was a boy), who were having sex…semi-regular, and prior to puberty.
Nobody complained…Everybody liked it…Everybody made the choice to be there and do that.
I’ve seen a lot of things in my life…Including, young children enjoying and reveling in their sexuality, with each other…in the flesh, before my very eyes…they were my boyhood friends…
…and, yeah…at times, we openly talked amongst ourselves, about wanting to “do” a certain adult (a teacher, etc.)…
This is typical…This is “Americana”, for crying out loud…It is what kids do.
We are all employed, obeying the laws, and doing the best we can to get by. In this world, what more can you expect of anyone?
The implications of the word “harm”, can get so convoluted anymore…that I don’t even know what “no harm done” means, in this world…
…and somehow, I don’t believe you know, either…
5 Responses to “A Glance of the Past:…Things deeply personal…”
April 30th, 2007 at 7:34 am
Wow, it sounds like you had a dramatic childhood. The more I hear about these stories, the more I realise just how dull my childhood was, in the sense that I’ve never had sexual contact with anyone.
Anyway, I don’t personally agree with adult-child sex, though I certainly believe that children should be legally allowed to have sex with similar-age friends…. the prohibition of such activity is difficult to defend, although the fact that it’s a “majority view” is sufficient for a Populist society.
May 1st, 2007 at 4:02 am
FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! FILTHY PEDO! [….]
[Olivew, it would be great if I were a pedo (child), but unfortunately that is not possible. I am however, a paedophile, a sexual orientation which I am proud of ~ BLueRibbon]
May 1st, 2007 at 7:59 am
In response to your observations about the current state of scientific research concerning sexual contact between adults and minors (isn’t that a faulty category in itself?), I’m going to re-air a post (critique of Finkelhor) previously written by ANU staff, but on their own blog:
One of these is Traumatic sexualization. which is a process in which a child’s sexuality (including sexual feelings and sexual attitudes) is shaped in a developmentally and interpersonally dysfunctional fashion as a result of the sexual abuse…
The problem is that this is something that is wholly subjective. “Interpersonally dysfunctional” - what does that entail? I may say that a person who has sex only once a week is dysfunctional. Is that a fact or an opinion?
identify with the abuser
The fact is, this could easily be the fact that the person had a strong emotional attachment to the person…an attachment which would seem abnormal based on the assumption that the act itself was inherently harmful.
Again, you really have to define what these people are referring to.
(By scientific standards, the quality of research when it comes to sex is unimaginably bad.)
and/or become involved in compulsive and self-destructive sexual behaviors which they defend as normal
How are they “self-destructive?”
That sounds more like a values judgement than anything else.
Traumatic sexualization can occur when a child is repeatedly rewarded by an offender for sexual behavior that is inappropriate to his or her level of development
Again, values judgement. What makes sexual behavior “inappropriate?” at a certain age? I could say a celibate 20-year-old is “developmentally inappropriate”
It occurs through the exchange of affection, attention, privileges, and gifts for sexual behavior that a child learns sexual behavior as a strategy for manipulating others to get his or her other developmentally appropriate needs met
A cynic could say the exact same thing about relationships between adults…”women learn to be sexual, so that they can attract males to get their needs met”
I do not believe that in either case.
It occurs when certain parts of a child’s anatomy are fetishized and given distorted importance and meaning.
So in essence, the emphasis on genitalia as having sexual meaning is “distorted.” I’m sorry, I just do not buy that.
It occurs through the misconceptions and confusion about sexual behavior and sexual morality that are transmitted to the child from the offender…
Again, another value judgement. Really, since child-adult sex is already assumed to be wrong by the author, the child asserting that it is not is held to be a misconception.
Children who have been traumatically sexualized emerge from their experiences with inappropriate repertories of sexual behaviors, with confusions and misconceptions about their sexual self-concepts, and with unusual emotional associations to sexual activities
These studies are the epitome of bad science…they basically take subjective value judgements and posit them as scientific fact…
The fact is, Finkelhor is not worth the paper his studies are printed on UNLESS one accepts that sex with children is bad from the outset - circular logic.
May 2nd, 2007 at 1:21 am
Daniel, that is a wonderful retort…deserving far more, than my merely calling it “wonderful”.
I may come back to this, later.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention, and re posting it for me.
BlueRibbon, I don’t want to give a false impression…Most of my experiences were alone…though, several were not…
…but, I could expand on several issues, and I just got done recording something for a project (which just might see the light of day, yet!), in which I express a few thoughts, which came immediately to mind, while reading your response.
Without letting to much out…
Provided that the age you give for yourself is accurate, I am old enough to have been your father, and to have given you a few older siblings.
I remember a time era, in the U.S., before the extreme, interventionist movement began.
The time era I was born into, and remember “cutting my teeth on”, was far more secular, progressive and open minded, than what we have today.
I am from a time, before this “absolute abuse” mindset, and the very redefining of the term “abuse”, saturated the U.S. culture.
I remember those days…they were more free minded…These were the days, following the “free love” movement (in the U.S.). It was an optimistic time.
You younger people, on the other hand, who were born after the arrival of the interventionists, after they took political power, and after decades of their messages produced a profound effect on various cultures…well…
You grew up in a much different social environment…one which artificially associates all sorts of malady, with one of the most basic and natural, of all human instincts.
It is no wonder, given the level of saturation today, that the two of us would have very different outlooks, on adult/child sexual interactivity.
Personally, I still hold onto the peace loving, “free love” mindset.
I’ve never bought into the anti human sexuality movement, which I have been watching go on around me, for decades…I never embraced it, and in fact, I rejected and condemned it.
So long as you are loving another with honesty, respect and integrity…it is not wrong…
…or, at least could never be “absolutely wrong”.
I realize, there may be “gray areas”, where everyone is better served, by not treading upon them.
For example…If your neighbors are a married couple, who are not swingers (people who meet other people for orgies, and such), you would not be thought of well, by trying to seduce one (or both) of them.
…So, in respect of the many variables, I wont call anything “always right”, either.
There are sets of circumstances, which can make doing something wrong.
This is why it has always been my intention, to focus on the set of circumstances, and work towards changing those.
Oh!…and I sincerely hope that that filthy child found his(?) way to a shower (or bath)!
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I don’t live in the US myself, but the culture of the country I reside in appears to be very similar.
There is a lot of pressure to prevent “the sexualisation of youth” over here, but I don’t know whether that affected my attitudes towards sex.
“Oh!…and I sincerely hope that that filthy child found his(?) way to a shower (or bath)!
”
I’m sure Olivew was just fantasising about boys covered in mud…. Who doesn’t?